New Haven CT- Microbiologist Jean Nofit reported today that she has achieved an amazing amount of weight loss thanks to her new regime of eating two liters ofSalmonella culture every day.
“I am seeing the most amazing results ever”, said Nofit. “I weighed almost 400 pounds three weeks ago and today I weighed myself and I am down to 125 pounds, and I don’t intend on stopping there”.
Nofit has said that the effect on her life has been nothing short of miraculous.
“I can fit into clothes that I haven’t worn for more than a decade”, she said. “I might even have to get myself a whole new wardrobe”.
Dr. Nofit has formulated this new wonder-diet herself, building on her 20 years of experience as a microbiologist.
“For some time now, we have known that the microbes of the gut – what we term the “microbiome” – play a very important role in our daily lives. What we eat, how healthy we feel, etc. is all controlled by our microbiome. In fact, nothing else is important to our health, except the microbiome – it can defeat cancer, cure hunger, poverty, restore amputated limbs, everything”, said Dr. Nofit.
“So, I got to thinking of ways in which I could harness the power of the microbiome for my own personal benefit. I needed to lose some weight, so I thought that I would shake things up a little bit in my own microbiome”.
“Three weeks ago, I started myself on a diet of two liters of salmonella, cultured in Luria-Bertani broth until there was a CFU count of 108 per ml. I took this medicine every morning, hail, rain or shine”.
“Today I stand before you having lost almost 300 pounds in three weeks. It is the miracle cure for obesity”.
Dr. Nofit did say that the treatment was still somewhat “experimental” and there were some side-effects and these included massive blood loss through the anus, rancid smell both from the culture and from the dieter, the need to wear a diaper constantly and on a few occasions over the last three weeks she had a near death experience from blood loss, blood poisoning and hallucinations.
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“The mechanism of weight loss, as far as I can ascertain at the moment – and it is still early in this research – is that most of the weight loss is from the shedding of cells from the abdomen. Billions and billions of cells from tissues such as the intestines, liver, spleen, lungs, heart and pancreas are being shed daily. Most of these cells are somewhat essential for sustaining life, but if it means you weigh less, then maybe it is worth it”.
“It has all been worth it”, said Dr. Nofit, as tears welled up in her eyes, “No pain, no gain”.